Emotional Purgatory

Dear reader, have you ever been in a depressive spiral that got you so demotivated you felt like there was no end? That rock bottom wasn’t the lowest you could go? Being dragged further and further into the ground that fighting the fall was just as pointless and accepting your fate? Well if you agree then I can only say how sorry I am that we have this shared experience in common. Know that you are not alone in your suffering, for it does get better. 

Speaking from experience, when you get yourself back to a healthy baseline it does not always feel like a win. Like yeah I don’t dread waking up in the morning and I can shower without feeling like I’ve used all my energy for the day. But that old, passionate soul that used to drive me forward feels like she got lost in the fall. She was my collateral, the price for survival. She spent so long fighting to stay alive that she forgot what she was living for. 

So I ask whoever's reading this, do you also struggle to find things enjoyable? While you can safely say you are objectively happy and ‘should be happy’, are you? Because I’m not afraid to admit that even though everything in my life feels like a manageable level of stress and I’m finding a moment of peace, I still struggle to create like I used to. Healthy habits feel more out of reach than ever, even if I no longer crave the destructive ones. Instead I find myself in an emotional purgatory. 

Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, nor is it all storm and rain. Sometimes it’s a sunny day with a cold breeze, not quite hot, not quite cold. So even if this isn’t my most uplifting blog post, I’m still trying. 

I hope you all remember to try, even if it’s only a little.