I Didn’t Grow Up Alternative — But I Found Myself Anyway

I find it kind of ironic that my main focus of this blog is alternative fashion when I have only been dressing this way confidently for the last three years or so. This lead me to do some self reflection on how my taste in music and fashion has evolved over the years.

As a teenager I was always drawn to bright colours. Anime was the centre of my universe at the time and it was hard not to be drawn in. The protagonists always seemed so effortlessly cool to me. Long hair, big eyelashes and badass personalities that made me envious of their confidence. I hid my insecurities behind arrogance, the fake it til you make it approach if you will. So it was no wonder I wanted to be like Lucy Heartfillia or Asuna Yuuki when I grew up. Even went as far as tying two braids in my hair like Asuna.

Then I started working part time and could finally afford what I wanted to wear. Which at sixteen was honestly not that much different to the clothes I already owned. Strict parents don't exactly make you want to express yourself when anything that goes against their ideals is seen as aggression. So I kept it safe with smart dresses, skinny jeans and halter neck vest tops. A small victory was that I could afford to dye my hair professionally now, so I got my first blonde Balayage!

Office work then became my next professional pursuit. As I was struggling both mentally and with relationships my style became a copy-paste of whatever I saw everyone else wearing on social media. Zara, H&M and PLT became the easiest way to get a dopamine hit. Plus ASOS next day delivery was convenient enough that I could just buy a trending piece and hope for the best. Needless to say I wasted a lot of money on clothes I ended up hating after two wears. After nine months of suffering in an sales job that sucked the soul out of me and trying to be a sweet but silent girlfriend to a controlling cheating arsehole, I realised I did not like wearing Oh Polly dresses and making small talk with a manager that made it her life mission to think of a different way of professionally calling me stupid every morning. So I quit that job.

Then I started my current job where I met some amazing people, and the person who would introduce me to music that could hold my attention and make me feel heard. I started experimenting with heavier artists and the obsession began to grow. Strange to think my first 'gig' was technically Download 2023. Seeing BMTH for the first time unlocked something in me haha. This was probably the first time in my life I had felt free. I enjoyed myself without worrying and... fell in love with that same person who introduced me to the music he shared.

Then I FINALLY fucking learned how to wing eyeliner. Became obsessed with Mary Wyatt and wearing anything black. Although I still felt held back without knowing why. Even at what I assumed was my happiest, I wasn't. I was still trying to be perfect for people that made me feel smaller and smaller with every interaction.

It's only when I let go from the people holding me back that I started to see myself differently. I wasn't constantly being told I needed to look a certain way so I wouldn't 'upset' or 'offend'. I could have red nails, get my nose pierced and who fucking cares? I hate that I stopped myself from pursuing my interests that I forgot I even had them to begin with.

So here I am at twenty three, still disliking parts of myself but learning to embrace the parts I do like. Conforming to mainstream trends is just not for me. I'll stick to what I love best, looking like a haunting presence in my happy little office.